I have officially hit the wall.
My first month in Columbus was hard some days, but when I got to the 1st of July and could cross a whole month off, I felt a huge rush of joy and accomplishment. It hadn't been as scary as I thought! I love my placement - Veritas is really just the right fit for me. God had this place picked out long before I started stressing about PRIME. My host family is delightful - they genuinely want me to spend time with them, and living with toddlers has not been nearly as weird as I thought; I'm even learning sign language from the smallest one. I get to talk to my family often - I think I call Mom more now than when I'm at school. My day to day work is comfortable and rewarding, and I'm encouraged to read, write, journal, and pray during my work day. My boss is present and helpful, always appreciative, but also gives me plenty of space and responsibility - most days I only see him as he stops at my cubicle on his way to one meeting or another and asks if I need anything. I still feel connected to the people I love from HU - particularly Anne and Craig, you've both been so incredibly supportive!
Then comes the first of July.
I woke up crabby, it took me forty five minutes to get to work instead of twenty, I set off the burglar alarm, I had a list of things to get done but not quite the right resources to accomplish them, and to top it all off I got in my first car accident on my way home. Its been almost a week, and I can't shake that one crummy day. Loads of brilliant things have happened since then! Independence Day (one of my very favorite holidays), my first time singing with a band at Veritas, my family came to visit, my host mom treated me to my first pedicure before they leave on vacation, I got to Skype with my friends also on PRIME - so many wonderful things. Why then do I still feel so... fragile? In the middle of all the good things, I feel weighted by the smaller hard things, like I might just break under them.
On my drive into work this morning, I was reminded of a conversation at community group last week. In discussing a major life change and some of the struggles they were going through, another group member pointed out to the couple "When it starts to get hard, it probably means you're doing the right thing."
I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have no doubt in my mind that God has been preparing me for this, and He has more in store than I know even now. The only thing the enemy can do is cloud my view of that. He can't stop it, he knows he can't make me leave or keep the great things God has planned from happening. All he can do is make sure I don't see them and can't enjoy them or be enriched by them.
I hit the wall. Now its time to climb over.
I can't keep the small hard stuff from happening. I'll still miss my friends and family. I'll still have days when the list of tasks is long and the resources are few. I will get stuck in traffic. I will feel like there's no way I can keep hoping the funds will show up. But no one can keep the great things from happening either. Friends and family will visit. I will get great chances to minister to this city. I will strengthen the relationships that are blossoming here. The money will always come when I need it. I will read and learn and grow and connect, and God will do amazing things. There is always hope, and more than that, there is assurance because our God is greater than I can comprehend.
hypophrenia
n. a feeling of sadness without a cause
ataraxia
n. a state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety
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