Marcid

You've all seen a lot fewer posts from me in the last few years, namely because I started to hate the way my writing looked when I would just start typing and see what came out of me. It was sloppy, rambling, and often uninteresting to anyone except myself.

But I'm going back to that for a moment. Because as much as this is a public space, it is also a personal release valve, and I need that today.

It seemed as though things were finally coming together after almost a year of wandering without a clue of where I was supposed to be heading. I'd started to let old things stay in the past and look for the greatness in the present. I finally found some clarity in my calling, which has been an area of confusion and uncertainty since I was 17. For once, it seemed like I actually didn't have anything to be worried about.

But nothing ever stays stable for long. Today it seems like everything is crashing down around me.

This is likely just a bout of moodiness and unsettling emotions. Nothing has really changed from the feelings of stability I had a month ago and the unease and frustration I feel now. Graduation has continued to loom menacingly over my head. Interning is still terrifying - although today it feels like even going on my internship is questionable. My friends are still wonderful and stressful and comforting and insane all at the same time. I still love this floor and the chance to be a part of their lives. I still feel more assurance about my future career than I have at any other point in my short life.

Maybe its because at this point a year ago? I also thought I had everything finally figured out. I was finding my way, standing my ground, looking toward my future - and then it all slipped out from under me again.

Am I just dreading that? The feeling that nothing stable ever seems to last?

Even that is an exaggeration. I have a family who has been rock solid and supportive in every venture. I have so many caring and committed relationships that thinking of them all brings me to tears. I know that amid everything, I am the child of an indescribable God who will walk through the hard parts with me.

Yet I am still afraid. Everything will fade, everything will change, everything will fall apart, and I will be left searching and unsure again.

There is no conclusion. No bright spot of courageous hope. Logically, cognitively, I know, everything will be fine. But today. I am just afraid.




marcid
adj. withered; incredibly exhausted.