Sitting

My mom pointed out to me the other day that I often sit in unusual places.

It's true. When people come to visit I normally choose to sit perched on the back or arm of the sofa like a gargoyle instead of on the seat like everyone else. I climb on the counters and sit Indian style while Mom makes dinner. I lean back on my heels and balance my wieght on my toes when I go to get on the computer and stay that way until my feet go numb. In our old house I would pry open the window and squeeze myself into the narrow ledge to watch the trees and flowers in the wind.
When Mom pointed out this weird little habit, I just kind of laughed it off, but it became one of those little nagging thoughts that just wouldn't go away. Why did I do that? Most things have an explanation, and I think I found mine.

I miss being a kid. Not necessarily a little kid. I have no desire to go back through potty training and preschool. But just a kid. I could be a little weird and silly and say stupid things and do something just because I felt like it, and it didn't really matter. I had a wild imagination and an imaginary friend. I lived without thinking. I read books without analyzing their literary value. I heard music without pulling apart the chords, dynamics, and lyrics. I trusted that God and my parents would make everything in my life perfect. I was happy. Not gloriously happy or overly joyful. I was simply, happy. Happy because my life was easy and complete.

Now I'm 16. My life is great. I understand not every part of my life has to be perfect for me to be happy. I am aware that I have everything I need. I have fantastic parents, wonderful siblings, good friends, a great 'second family', and above all, an indescribable God who is doing unimaginable things in my life at the moment. But even with all of that, being aware of how great things are, makes me scared that they won't always be that way. I'm scared that I'll leave for college and I'll have chosen the wrong path. I'm scared that my friends will drift away. I'm scared that I'll leave and both my real siblings and my youth group brothers and sisters will grow up without me, that they won't need me anymore. I'm scared that deciding what I want and feeling that God has it planned for me will lead me dangerously astray.

I'm just scared.

And so I sit. Because it reminds me of being younger and uncomplicated and ready for life. Because it almost feels like I can be a kid again, for a minute. Because for that minute, I'm not quite as scared.

Thanks for listening.