Erlebnisse

I had this expectation that today would be easier than yesterday. Not so much. It was rewarding. So, so rewarding. But hard, and scary, and exhausting.

I mentioned yesterday my little car problem? Where it doesn't like to start some days? Well, on my drive to work this morning, the battery unhooked, while I was driving. It happened for a split second on the highway, and cut out completely at a stop light once I got downtown. It all felt very dramatic. It took me multiple tries to get the hood open, and my hands shook so terribly trying to tighten the battery back on, all the while I'm running around my car in my socks because I had taken my shoes off to drive. (Another long explanation is needed to understand why I had taken them off, but suffice to say, there was a purpose to that.) After getting my car to start and breathlessly driving the last few blocks to work, I really thought it could only get better! Until I realized while unpacking my things, that I had left my laptop charger plugged in beside my bed, and my laptop was dead. 

I almost turned around and went home.

But I didn't. If I learned anything from yesterday, its that choosing to keep going is far more rewarding than giving up, and attitude can make all the difference. So I soldiered on, and while I brewed the morning coffee I laid down in a pew and prayed. I couldn't tell you what. I'm pretty sure the words "I thought I learned my lesson?" were repeated a few times. God is bigger than my perceptions of my world though. Yesterday's lesson was about joy, and today had a lesson all its own.

I am not in control, and I have to learn to rely on the one who is.

I'm not finished learning that. Even just realizing that he wants to teach me that is scary. I am an individual who craves control and order. It doesn't even have to be order that makes sense to anyone else, just to me, that's how insane my control issues are. Insane is really the best word for it, I promise. God is just so much bigger than I am, how do I expect to be in control? I'm bordering on rambling here, so I'll wrap up.

The last two days have stretched me, and I've learned so much. This little phase may not be over yet, so I won't try and sum it up. I will say I'm thankful for them though, these two days of anxiety and lessons. I'll end with another list of silver linings:

1. My car could have stopped on the highway, but it didn't!

2. I got to spend my morning drinking coffee and reading a book.

3. While I was looking for an extra charging cable I found a bunch of straight pins - thumbtacks were not doing a great job keeping things on the walls of my cube.

4. I had to spend some time really cut off. Even though I'm an introvert, my alone time often includes texting or watching a movie. This morning I had to really live in the silence and isolation. It was good for me.

5. I got to use the huge Mac in my boss' office all day.

erlebnisse

n. the experiences, positive or negative, that we feel most deeply, and through which we truly live; not merely experiences but Experiences.