Ephemera

I'm going to make a strange parallel, one I hope is not presumptuous.

Susan, the mother of the host family I'm living with (I can't bring myself to call her my host mom, because we're definitely too close in age for that), is nine months pregnant and has been at the "any day now" stage for a week. It's been frustrating for the whole house, of course Susan most of all. I got the text in the middle of the night last night that they were going to the hospital and my hopes soared, only to be crushed a few hours later with a text saying "never mind, coming home". Before I left for work today Susan and I discussed the frustration of waiting when she said something that rattled around my head for the rest of the morning -

"I was just so excited to return to normalcy!"

No, internship is not like pregnancy. Not really even at all. Don't hear me say that. But hearing that phrase struck so close to home. I hadn't realized it until then, but even as comfortable and happy as I have become in Columbus, it is still not normal. Normal is what I feel like I'm waiting for.

And then to solidify the emotion even further, she went on to say "I know when the baby is here, I'll feel like the pregnancy went by so fast, but right now it feels like this kid is never going to come!"

I get that! I know when I get home, I'm going to miss this place and feel like the seven months I spent here went by in a second! I already know I'll miss Tony, Susan, Ahbry Elle, Genesis, and this new little one we haven't even met. I'll miss someone yelling "lanch time!" down the row of cubicles to gather us for lunch. I'll miss the vibrancy and mild chaos of staff meetings. I'll miss the quiet mornings when I'm one of the two or three in the office when I get to sit and do research while sipping my wimpy and overly sweetened coffee. I'll miss the 6 am drives into the city on Sunday mornings, when it feels like Columbus is finally asleep. I'll miss hearing the stories of the homeless people who congregate in our office. I'll miss the independence that comes from doing my own grocery shopping.

But I still feel like I'm waiting for normal.

Likely it's due to what the ministry professors like to tell us is the "September slump" - interning is all well and good while all your friends are off on their own summer adventures, but when they all return to campus suddenly you're the only one missing and that is really no fun. I knew it was coming and it still punched me in the gut.

So it occurs to me - what do I learn from this bizarre parallel I've drawn? Well, when the next baby Williams finally comes, that will be the household's return to normalcy. They'll have this person for the rest of their family's life, and won't ever get to go back to a time when we called him/her simply Tidbit and there were only two little girls running around the house. For me, the rest of my life will be my normal, surrounded by the people I love in the place I've been given a passion to love and serve. But I won't ever get to come back to this part: the part where I get to be a part of a different family, the part where I serve a new and amazing place, the part where I learn so much about myself and ministry, the part where my job requires me to study and create and observe.

I'm still waiting for my own return to normalcy. But I'm going to enjoy the not-normal while I get to live in it.




ephemera
n. things that exist or are used or enjoyed for only a short time

Erlebnisse

I had this expectation that today would be easier than yesterday. Not so much. It was rewarding. So, so rewarding. But hard, and scary, and exhausting.

I mentioned yesterday my little car problem? Where it doesn't like to start some days? Well, on my drive to work this morning, the battery unhooked, while I was driving. It happened for a split second on the highway, and cut out completely at a stop light once I got downtown. It all felt very dramatic. It took me multiple tries to get the hood open, and my hands shook so terribly trying to tighten the battery back on, all the while I'm running around my car in my socks because I had taken my shoes off to drive. (Another long explanation is needed to understand why I had taken them off, but suffice to say, there was a purpose to that.) After getting my car to start and breathlessly driving the last few blocks to work, I really thought it could only get better! Until I realized while unpacking my things, that I had left my laptop charger plugged in beside my bed, and my laptop was dead. 

I almost turned around and went home.

But I didn't. If I learned anything from yesterday, its that choosing to keep going is far more rewarding than giving up, and attitude can make all the difference. So I soldiered on, and while I brewed the morning coffee I laid down in a pew and prayed. I couldn't tell you what. I'm pretty sure the words "I thought I learned my lesson?" were repeated a few times. God is bigger than my perceptions of my world though. Yesterday's lesson was about joy, and today had a lesson all its own.

I am not in control, and I have to learn to rely on the one who is.

I'm not finished learning that. Even just realizing that he wants to teach me that is scary. I am an individual who craves control and order. It doesn't even have to be order that makes sense to anyone else, just to me, that's how insane my control issues are. Insane is really the best word for it, I promise. God is just so much bigger than I am, how do I expect to be in control? I'm bordering on rambling here, so I'll wrap up.

The last two days have stretched me, and I've learned so much. This little phase may not be over yet, so I won't try and sum it up. I will say I'm thankful for them though, these two days of anxiety and lessons. I'll end with another list of silver linings:

1. My car could have stopped on the highway, but it didn't!

2. I got to spend my morning drinking coffee and reading a book.

3. While I was looking for an extra charging cable I found a bunch of straight pins - thumbtacks were not doing a great job keeping things on the walls of my cube.

4. I had to spend some time really cut off. Even though I'm an introvert, my alone time often includes texting or watching a movie. This morning I had to really live in the silence and isolation. It was good for me.

5. I got to use the huge Mac in my boss' office all day.

erlebnisse

n. the experiences, positive or negative, that we feel most deeply, and through which we truly live; not merely experiences but Experiences.

Kairosclerosis

Today was a day designed to test my ability to follow through.

I have spent a chunk of my prayer time in recent weeks asking that God would help me choose joy. It felt like as hard as I looked for the positive, the negatives kept piling up and weighing me down. Then, today happened. I woke up, got ready, checked my messages, and went out to my car. First, you must know that I have had a plethora of minor and slightly more than minor car issues since I moved. One of those being that my check engine light kept blinking on for no real reason, so when I went home, Dad unhooked my battery and then reconnected it. No more check engine light! Except now my car does this fun thing where sometimes it doesn't want to start unless I get out, pop the hood, and tighten the battery again. Today was one such time. Immediately following, I click my phone's home button to turn it on and plug in some music, and the screen remains obstinately black, no matter how many times I click that little button. My phone has had issues for a while now, so I just sort of grumble and toss it on the seat as I slide a CD into my stereo.

Upon arriving at work, I'm a full 25 minutes early (due to my obsessive desire to avoid rush hour traffic) and since my phone is unresponsive, I sit staring out my window waiting for someone else to arrive so I don't set off the burglar alarm. Again. When I'm finally in the building, I spend forty five minutes frantically trying to find out how to fix my phone, because I need to walk to a meeting and I really don't want to wander the city without it- which is a little dramatic, but at the time, it felt dire. I gave up, plugged my phone into my laptop in the vain hope that it would have rebooted itself by the time I got back from my meeting. I take my Googled directions and start walking.

45 very sweaty minutes later, I have not found the coffee shop that my boss said was only a block away, and my Google directions said was a twenty minute walk from my office. Of course, the difference between those two measurements really should have been my first clue. By the time I'd missed half the meeting I gave up and walked back, definitely regretting my cardigan. I e-mailed my boss from my cube when I returned (where my phone is still dark), and planned to explain everything at our one on one meeting at noon. I spend the morning catching up on post-vacation work and prepping for our meeting. Noon passes, and he hasn't returned from his meeting. Not too concerned, his schedule is packed. By 12:30 I decide to eat my lunch while I wait, which of course is the moment he comes rushing back in. He mentions a meeting he has at one, so I figure ours won't last more than 20 minutes or a half hour, so I leave my lunch at my desk and follow him to his office. That twenty minute meeting becomes an hour and forty five minutes.

But on my long and frustrating walk this morning, I made a choice. This was in fact, a crummy day. There were lots of reasons to be royally ticked off at the world. But being angry with the crummy day was only going to make me miserable. And as Brenda always says "happiness is a choice." So I chose. I chose to see the good in this no good day. I made a list, as I went about this weird, long day, of all the good things about my sucky situation.

1. I got lots of exercise!
2. I got to explore a part of Columbus I hadn't seen before - a cute section of what I'm guessing is Italian Village, with nice houses and lots of trees. It really was rather lovely.
3. Once I adjusted to not being able to check my phone every half hour, I was more productive. I got loads done this morning!
4. Yes, my car is being difficult, but the process to get it going is simple and I can do it myself. So much easier than when the battery just died every other day this past winter.
5. My lunch tasted simply delicious, since I was famished by the time I got to it.
6. I missed my morning cup of coffee because I was stressed about my phone, which is one less caffeine-packed cup, which is better for me!
7. Because I sweat so much this morning, I drank a ton of water all day.
8. My boss was super understanding about my missing the morning meeting. Not everyone is so blessed!
9. My meeting was long, but it gave me lots to do over the next few days.
10. I'm thankful that I live in a time where just because my main form of communication is down, doesn't mean I'm cut off. I can still send Facebook messages and e-mail, and while I am annoyed, my life really can go one mostly as normal until my phone decides to work.

There's my list. To be honest? It made a difference. When someone in the office how my day was going, I automatically said "good!" and when I stopped to think it through, yeah, I really was doing well. That's really all I have to share today, but I hope it proves that even if choosing joy doesn't solve everything? It really can put a really good spin on a really rough day.



kairosclerosis
n. the moment when you realize you're happy.