Annus Mirabilis

You know what's stupid and hard and heartbreaking and beautiful?

This feeling that I'll never quite be whole again. My heart begs to be in so many places at once.

I'm home, and I love it here. I love spending every second with my mom talking about kids, family, faith, relationships, the future and every other possible topic. I love nights out with my dad just taking in his wisdom and advice. I love photo shoots and Salvo shopping sprees with my baby sister. I love late night Taco Bell runs and impromptu WalMart runs with my brother and all the things I learn about him on those short car rides. I love the freedom to spend hours watching documentaries, or read four books in 24 hours, or go for long walks without the looming thoughts of schoolwork over my head. I love catching up with high school friends, reliving those "glory days" and collectively laughing at how much better things are now. I love worshiping at the church I grew up in, being brought to tears by the growth and love that I see there every week. I love random trips to see my grandparents, just to say hello and listen to them tell stories. I love sitting on the front porch listening to rainstorms. I love sitting down and playing guitar for ages. And yeah, sometimes, I even love my crummy summer job. A little.

But even while I try to enjoy this last summer at home with my family (and truthfully, the first summer I've been able to give them my full attention in almost three years), I am eager to return to school in the fall. I miss my friends. Oh I miss my friends...  I can't wait to get back to ministry lunch with my boys. I can't wait to have late night Doctor Who marathons accompanied by my roommate and way too much chamomile tea. I miss having team time until the late hours. I miss getting out of class early and going for breakfast before chapel. I miss "alternative alternative" chapel at the coffee shop when we reached our chapel quotas. I miss staying up until open lounges closed with groups of friends or talking one on one. I miss weekend breakfasts at Johnny's or Nick's with the girls. I miss walking across the lawn, up the stairs, or even down the hall to connect with those I dearly love. I miss the feeling that every interaction I have is not only fun but enriching and life changing. I miss classes that spark the passion in my soul, and the chance not only to discuss it in theory but to practice it through floor events, hall events, and chapels. I'm even missing late nights writing papers in the library!

As my heart aches to return, I know it won't be the same. The hard, crazy, wonderful year that I had won't simply repeat itself. It shouldn't. Truthfully, despite all the incredible things that happened, it was second only to the year I suffered from depression in terms of anxiety and pain. I am grateful for what God brought me through, and honestly, the way He chose to bring me through it, but I certainly don't want to live it again. I can't wait to be back; to see my friends again, to dive back into classes, to build new memories, to watch my brother begin his own college journey. But a little part of me... A growing part of me, is scared. Scared that nothing can live up to the community, the growth, the intimacy, the joy I experienced this last year. I trust that God has more for me; He always does. But still... I am afraid. It's so easy, when I'm away, to let the old doubts return. The crippling fears that I am unloved, unworthy, and unwanted resurface. Thankfully, they are easier now than ever to dismiss, with God's help and a few phone calls, text messages, Skype dates, or even just reliving the undeniable proof of this year's memories.

So I suppose, what I'm saying, is that I'm torn. I love my hometown. I love being here with my family. I miss my friends and my classes, but I'm scared that when I return it won't be the same for so many reasons. My question at this moment is this: have I made too much of the past, or do I really have more to look forward to in the future?

It's a lot of rambling, but thanks for reading. Grace and peace to you all friends!




Annus Mirabilis
n. phr. a remarkable or notable year in history; a year of wonders or miracles, used to speak hopefully of the future.

An Open Letter

I’ve been reflecting. Isn’t that always the case when it comes to these posts?

It becomes more and more true the older I get, I think. This blog becomes less about sharing with you all and more about documenting my own journey, and hoping that maybe my journey can help you travel yours better.

Almost exactly a year ago I posted about fairy tale friendships. It’s one of my very favorite posts I’ve ever made. Friendships are such a vital part of my life, and I love to relive the journey I’ve been on with those people. But this afternoon while I read through it with a smile on my face, sitting here in my window sill soaking in the sunlight, I realized so many of the people who have altered me as a person in the last year were not included in that list.

How odd is it that people who have changed me, who I consider friends for life, who have walked through this year of growth with me, I barely knew a year ago?

I love writing notes to people, and the end of the semester is an optimal time for it. A time to reflect on the growth and memories of the last year. As I started writing I realized that every note I wrote began with some version of “a year ago, who would have thought we’d be here?”

So here is my open letter to those people.

Ben, I had just gotten to know. Everyone knows Ben, everyone loves Ben, and I easily assumed he had enough friends and wouldn’t have space in his life for someone he had very little connection to. Glad I was wrong, because he has proven to be an invaluable friend to me, offering wisdom and comfort innumerable times.

Kody and I had drifted apart and come back together. I couldn’t figure out why were friends. Maybe sometimes I still don’t, because by all accounts we should drive each other absolutely crazy. But Kody, you have inspired me every day to be as passionate, as energetic, and as loyal as you are. I don't know what I'd do without his craziness in my life.

Jacob was just the weird guy who creeped me out the first day of classes. Now he’s still weird, but a solid friend. Someone I can always rely on for an understanding ear and a wise opinion. 

Nicco was just the friend of friends, someone who kind of ran in the same circles, someone who absolutely terrified me but I still really wanted to know. A year later he is a person I greatly respect, someone who walked me through one of the scariest things I’ve faced thus far, and has pushed me to be better in so many ways.

Aaron I hadn’t even met! He was still a high school student waiting to see what kind of adventures college would bring. I had no idea he would come to be a voice of reason in my life as well as the source of so much joy.

I mentioned in that post a year ago that I had connected with the staff of campus ministries and how they had already become a part of my life. I had absolutely no comprehension of how drastically they would change my life!

Brittany, just the girl down the hall who smiled at everyone, has been the best partner I could ask for. Her steadfast joy and optimism astound me more and more every day.

Elisha, the veteran CMC I was so intimidated by, has been a constant source of wisdom and stability in this crazy year. Her insights have guided me and so many others, and I cannot wait to see what God does through her next!

Eric. Oh Eric, you unexpected friend! From the very first moment he defied every expectation I had of him. He is truly a warrior for Christ, an incredible leader, an understanding friend, and one of the greatest people I have every had the privilege to know.

Niles, who even from the moment I met him I knew we would be fast friends, has turned out to be such an indispensable rock in my life. His goofiness and sarcasm have a way of making my worst days easier, and I always know that when I need to hear what God needs to tell me, it is very likely Niles will know what to say.

Anne, who seemed so aloof when I met her, has been the person who understands me best. Within in days of reuniting for training, the people around us thought we’d been friends for years. Her friendship is so special to me, probably because we’re basically the same person. Her love for people and love for God blows me away every single day. I cannot wait to lead with her next year.

So there’s my open letter, to the people who have changed me more in a year than I ever thought possible. People who have had an impact on me in 12 months equal or greater to people I’ve known for  years. To all of you, thank you. Thank you for being the incredible people God has created you to be. And to the rest of you, I hope this makes you think about yourself last year. Think about the people who have changed you. And thank them.

Grace and Peace.

Convivencia

At the end of my junior year of high school, I wrote this in a blog post some of you may remember:

"Which brought me to thinking about how much different will things be in another three years. When I'm a sophomore in college? Will I be studying music like I plan on doing? Will I still like bad scifi movies and techno music? Will my brother and I still be the best of friends? Who will my friends be? What's going to happen to all these relationships I've spent years building when I go off to college?"

Well. Here I am. Nearly done with sophomore year of college. How much did I change?

I'm still studying music, sort of. I'm a worship major, but my focus has shifted drastically. The reason I'm passionate about worship has very very little to do with music now. It has so much more to do with the things that connect the people in a church to each other and God in a myriad of ways.

I still love bad scifi. Sharknado. Need I say more? As for techno music, it definitely brings back a slew of beautiful memories of crazy nights, sweaty dances, and lovely friends. But its maybe not as relevant to my life as I would have thought.

My brother is still the other half of my brain. After being apart for two years, I cannot wait to be reunited at HU next semester. He's been a constant encouragement in every corner of my life. And I'd like to add, that after leaving for university, my little sister and I have bonded, and I now count her as one of the best friends I've ever had.

I don't have the same friends I had three years ago. A very few have stuck around, I hear from them now and again and its always beautiful. But God, in His divine understanding, has brought me such incredible friends at this stage of my life. People to serve and learn with on a deeper level. People who have helped me understand myself better. People to support as much as they support me. People to cry and laugh and pray and worship with. People who surround me in prayer at any moment so entirely that I can feel the weight of it from miles away. People, who in a scary and stressful time of my life, surrounded me with love and prayer and hugs and texts and laughter. I cannot explain my gratitude.

How much have I changed? Well, I just referenced it in my last post... I have changed quite drastically. But whereas three years ago I feared change in myself more than almost anything else? Today, I'm ready to embrace it. God is so much bigger than I am. He has such a beautiful plan that I can't even start to imagine it. So if I'm going to change, I know it's to further His kingdom, His plan, His future for this world.

Convivencia: (noun) literally "living together", in the sense of living or working closely with other people with whom you share feelings, desires, or a common purpose.

Scripturient

I haven't felt the urge to write in a very, very long time. Kind of like the stories had dried up. But suddenly, now as so many things are changing and by all accounts I should be drowning, the urge is back - the need to document, to share, to express.

I stumbled upon some old poetry I had posted on my Facebook, and while I was definitely a little embarrassed by the dramatics of them, I also loved seeing who I was then. I tell the stories of that part of my life, the darkness and pain and fear, but six years later, it gets harder and harder to believe that it was real. Seeing those words on the screen attesting to the fact that those emotions were real in my life, if not at the time of the post then months before, is chilling. Along with that comes the comments I found underneath each piece, the compliments on my writing style and my talent and every so often, a very concerned friend who could actually see what was happening - a friend that I continued to push away.

From there I came back to this blog. I am amazed by the thoughts and feelings I had even a year ago that surfaced here. Patterns of behavior that I have only recently identified are so obvious now! Key moments that would drastically affect my life months and years later are documented so plainly, how did I miss them? This blog also documents a journey; scattered pieces of a much more complex path. I can relive the thoughts and emotions I had at different stages of my life, almost as if to reaffirm that they were indeed real. The older I get and the farther I travel from the now-infamous girl with too-heavy bangs and far too much black makeup the easier it is to forget her. To forget her as well as the girl who just wanted to stay in high school, or the girl who thought adolescence would forever define her, or the girl who felt irrevocably connected to people and places that are now so far away from this girl who sits here now, typing away in her dorm room.

The older I get the farther away all those girls seem, and the more important they become. Because without each of them, I wouldn't be this girl.

Scripturient: (adj) possessing the violent desire to write.