"For troubles without number surround me. My sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. Tey are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me."
"It feels like life is suddenly moving forward to the future so quickly all I can do is ride along. Decisions have to be made that I can't handle. Suddenly relationships are so very temporary unless I decide right now that they are going to be part of my life in very permanent ways. I'm thankful for the chance to go to college where I have chosen, but I'm scared to death I've chosen wrong. That I can't do it. That I'm not strong enough, not mature enough. The people I've grown up with are soon going to be part of my past and not my present. "growing up" will be a time period of the past. Being a kid is over, completely and fully. I can still have fun, but everything takes a backseat to staying on track in college and in my career, for which I'm grossly unprepared. The foundations of comfort and normalcy I've built my life on is gone. I'm leaving, moving on, growing up. No matter how you say it, the idea is there. Nothing will be the same. Nothing is the same. Everything is different. Nothin is sacred. Nothing is safe. Nothing feels constant. The whole world is spinning and jumping and falling around me and all I can do is say...
Today, I am 18. And nothing. Will ever be the same."
I wrote that paragraph, obviously, on the afternoon of my 18th birthday a few months ago, saved it to my phone, and left it there. I must have thought about it some soon after I wrote it, but honestly I dont even remember writing it. I remember the feelings involved very vividly though. Feeling like the world was going to drown me. Like the future was too huge and overwhelming to handle. Like the choices I had made were going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Like my life was ending.
After a long couple of months, I can say honestly that my life is NOT ending. Good news. :)
I'm still scared. Life is still sort of overwhelming. But I have made some choices and taken some steps that God has used to show me that He really is in control. I changed my major before I even started classes. I prioritized my relationships, started spending time with my family, key friends, and boyfriend. Despite having made those relationship choices, I still lost some really important friends in the last couple weeks. Most importantly, I got back to daily conversation with God, and made it a point to read at least a chapter of my Bible a day. In addition to choices I made personally, just the simple passing of time has made college seem a lot less daunting. I've made contact with my roommate, and already I know that we're going to be fantastic friends. I've registered for classes, started looking into books. I've bought things to furnish my dorm room, as well as planning for all kinds of fun things my roommate and I will be doing there. I've made plans with my mom, my boyfriend, and my best friend for when I'll be able to come home and when it's best for them to visit me. I have plans for a college age group to keep the graduating seniors of my youth group together after we leave.
Moral of the story is, my dear readers, nothing is as awful as it seems in that moment. I put on the mask to hide how scared I was. I made it through the end of the year, made my peace with growing up, and now, I can't wait for school in the fall.
Jeremiah 29:11
"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future.'"
My life is NOT over. And neither is yours. Don't give up.
Moral of the story is, my dear readers, nothing is as awful as it seems in that moment. I put on the mask to hide how scared I was. I made it through the end of the year, made my peace with growing up, and now, I can't wait for school in the fall.
Jeremiah 29:11
"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future.'"
My life is NOT over. And neither is yours. Don't give up.
