Books

I have weird books.

Considering how much I adore reading, one would think I'd have a huge number of books, but in reality, I have one bookshelf in my room, and it's really only two-thirds full. There are children's fantasy, outdated sci-fi, Christians historical romances, Bible study books, silly pre-teen romances, trivia books, a few modern best-sellers, and all my favorite classics such as Lord of The Rings, The Once and Future King, To Kill A Mockingbird, and Jane Eyre among others. A random collection of stories that fill my small shelves. The thing these particular volumes have in common? I have read each of these books at least ten times (with the exception of the four that I put on the shelf just today with the intention of actually reading them, since they've been sitting in a box for years). Each book has a story, separate from the one written on it's pages.

The writer's prompt book that I've gone to a hundred times when I'm pressed for ideas. The book about a chess player and a ballerina that I really didn't understand the first time, but has aged with me so that I feel like Nikolai and Daphne are dear friends. The silly love stories that I read when I can't sleep after a scary movie. The suspense story that I was thrilled to realize I had figured out within the first few chapters. The lonely book about a girl abandoned on an island that I re-read for more reasons than I can list here. The fairy stories that make me want to believe in magic. The series I grew up reading, and will stick by no matter what every one else thinks about it. All of these books I keep on my shelf, no matter how many years pass. Occasionally I'll add one or two, when a new favorite arrives, or when something seems important enough that I'll need to read it. My books have grown with me, each one is a friend and confidante, a friendly face when it seems like my world is changing took quickly for me to keep up.

When everything else changes, Nikolai still plays chess, Artemis and Holly still save the world, Jan's baby still has blue hair, Arthur is still king, Jane and Rochester still fall in love, and Karana is still on her island. It's a silly thing, but when I started sorting through books, I couldn't bear to take more than two or three books off the shelf. They're all too important to be put in a box somewhere, and I know that day will come soon, because I can't possibly take them all to college with me. But for now, they sit on my shelf, patient friends, there when I need them, when nothing else feels constant.

I'm weird about books.

Way Too Much Reflection

Well, it's a bit late for a New Year's post, but what the heck, why not?

It's my senior year, and I spend way too much time thinking about how immeasurably different I am than I was four years ago. At fourteen, I was diving headfirst into teenage angst, drama, relationships, and pressures. I was a wannabe emo with too much makeup and an obsession with all things black and depressing. I had a group of friends who were just as diverse as could be, and yet at the same time they were just as cliche as I was, in their own ways. I tricked myself into thinking I was accepted, and upon realizing I wasn't, I spun into an illogical and selfish depression that required a profound encounter with God to pull me out of.

Now, a few months before my eighteenth birthday, I am still amazed by my social transformation. I'm still that awkward and insecure kid at heart a lot of the time, but most days I can overcome those tendencies. I still have relationships with the people I hung out with as a freshman, but my core group of friends is completely different. Ironically, the guy who threw erasers down the back of my cargo pants in eighth grade and the girl who thought I was a complete freak freshman year are two of my best friends at school now. Instead of play practice and hanging out at the mall, most nights I just ride around with a friend or get a group together for movie night. Our "bubble" is comprised of the super-musical new kid, the ever-classic, always popular guy, the artistic jock, the guy that everyone thinks hates the world but is really just an immensely nice kid, the sports freak with the best sense of humor, the spaz who is more loyal than anyone else I know, the sweet girl with a kind heart, the dedicated worship leader, and the anti-hipster that has a passion for life that I wish I had. All of that to say that these are the people I spend my days with, who accepted me for reasons still unknown to me, and although I'll be sad to leave them behind next fall, the memories we're making aren't the kind that will fade quickly.

Sometimes I compare myself to who I was, and think I should hate myself. I quite literally am the dork who somehow became popular. Isn't the moral of that story that popularity comes with a price, that's when you figure out that it's the old friends who really loved you, and you run back to them because popularity wasn't what you always imagined?

Thing is...

I never imagined it at all.

I was completely content with my random assortment of friends as a freshman. We had fun! I figured we'd all be the way we were all through high school. We'd have the same parties, watch the same movies, tell the same jokes, until we graduated. Now I look over to the table where they all still sit and even though I remember those jokes and parties and smile, I don't regret the friends I have now. I realize that I'm not the girl who loved musicals and wore all black anymore. They were the friends I needed, the friends I wanted, when I was that girl with heavy makeup and bangs, but that isn't me anymore. I'm different. And happy. I have more amazing people in my life than I ever thought possible, from my friends that I grew up with, to my youth group family, to my new friends at school, I am so blessed to have them all!

Looking back on the relationships I've had, I come to this conclusion: As much as I've changed over the years, and over the last few months especially, God has given me the friends I needed for the place I was in. When He was trying to teach me to rely on Him, I had friends who would have been there for me and were there for me when I finally put my trust in God and started putting my life back together. When I had to learn to love other before myself, He gave me an incredible group of younger friends for me to love unconditionally and learn to protect and help, as well as learning to live in a real community. And now, I can't say what lesson God is trying to teach me exactly, but I know I'll look back on my senior year and smile, because it's only halfway through and I have had some of the best times of my life so far.

*Sorry this was sort of (Who am I kidding, "sort of"...) rambling, but it's been a while and I just needed to write again. Thanks for indulging me.*

M